


Nice Day To Start Again

by lizzy_stardust_18



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor Murphy, I am a Zoe Murphy stan first and a human being second, Kind of a songfic?, Larry Murphy Is A Good Parent Actually In This One, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Zoe is a college freshman, all the deh trigger warnings, and she deserves the world, but like where she's being loved bc, the title is from "White Wedding" by Billy Idol, there's like a brief mention of suicide, this is basically a Zoe character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-10 10:20:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14735121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzy_stardust_18/pseuds/lizzy_stardust_18
Summary: Who could she confide in about the monster her brother really was, the boy who had screamed at her and beaten his fists bloody on her door? Or who could she tell about the liar she had let into her house, her bed, her body, her heart? Would anyone be able to understand how he made her feel, how she still felt about him?





	Nice Day To Start Again

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me about bandtrees on tumblr if you want: https://lizzy-stardust-13.tumblr.com/

The weight of the guitar in her lap was usually reassuring, but tonight it brought her no comfort. She couldn’t make herself learn the piece for her college jazz band, no matter how hard she tried. She knew she didn’t have to learn the piece just yet, especially since the concert wasn’t until March, but it was still something to do now that she was home for the winter holidays. She wasn’t doing it very well, however. The notes swam on the page and she kept losing her focus. She eventually gave up and set the sheet music on the floor by her bed, tugging her guitar uselessly to her chest. She set her hands on the strings and began to play absentmindedly, finding chords that worked themselves into a familiar pattern. 

 

She recognized the tune of what she was playing several measures after she’d started playing it. It was a song she knew by heart after playing it so many times all those years ago. It was Billy Idol’s “White Wedding,” a song that Connor wouldn’t stop singing to her during his  _ stupid _ classic rock phase, pointing at her and grinning toothily during the “hey little sister” parts. She knew the song wasn’t actually about a brother-sister relationship, but that didn’t stop her from learning it so that she could play it while Connor sang it to her. 

 

She wondered when Connor had stopped singing. When her brother had disappeared and was replaced by a hate-filled, broken shell of a boy. She couldn’t remember what Connor sounded like when he sang anymore. The lyrics playing in her head just sounded like his screams. 

 

_ Hey little sister, what have you done? _

_ I’ll fucking kill you, you bitch! Don’t think I won’t! I’ll fucking kill you!  _

_ Hey little sister, shotgun  _

 

She dragged her hands down her face. She had to get out of the house. She was home for the winter holidays, and so were all of her relatives, and despite the fact that literally none of them could even be bothered to say his name aloud, Connor was everywhere in here. He was in the floorboards, he was in the ceiling, he was in the walls, he was in her pillowcase. His absence was more suffocating than his presence had been, and it was far more menacing tonight than it had been when he was alive. She wished there was someone she could trust with her memories of the real Connor Murphy. When Zoe told her brother’s story, people always responded by telling her how strong she was, how brave she must be to survive losing her brother the way she did. But Zoe didn’t feel strong or brave. She felt small. She felt angry. She felt hopeless. She felt numb. For so many years, Zoe had been a side character in the story of her brother, and even though his story had ended, she was forced to carry on, but there was no plot anymore, no script for her to follow. Her family had danced to Connor’s tune for so long that they didn’t know what to do without the music playing. 

 

When she told the story of what happened to her brother, people offered condolences and told her that they were there for her no matter what. It pushed her further into isolation, because how could they ever help her? Zoe had her own story to tell, and no one to tell it to. Who could she confide in about the monster her brother really was, the boy who had screamed at her and beaten his fists bloody on her door? Or who could she tell about the liar she had let into her house, her bed, her body, her heart? Would anyone be able to understand how he made her feel, how she still felt about him? 

 

She’d tried to explain it to her friends. Nothing she ever said was close enough to the truth. 

 

_ “My ex lied to get in my pants.”  _ Evan had lied, but not for that reason. 

 

_ “My ex lied to me, which is why we broke up, but we’re friends now. I forgave him.”  _ She’d never forgiven him, not really.  

 

_ “It was just high school teen drama.”  _ It hurt even after all this time. 

 

_ “I hate him.” _ She didn’t. 

 

_ “He didn’t know what love is.”  _ He knew it all too well.  __

_ “He hurt me too much for me to miss him.”  _

 

_ “He hurt me, but everything was so beautiful when he did it that sometimes I want him to do it again.”  _

 

She’d tried to move on from Evan and all the hurt that came with him, and she thought she’d succeeded. She had a nice, normal boyfriend now. His name was Todd. He drank chamomile tea and wore glasses and flannel shirts. He made up for his lack of a personality with flowers and chocolates. He was ‘busy’ every time she had a jazz band concert. He wrote for a nature blog. Her parents loved him. Zoe wished he liked sex at any time other than when she was drunk or sobbing uncontrollably, but at least he wasn’t Evan, which was good enough for her parents, and at least he was honest with her about everything he did. Except when he wasn’t. 

 

She checked her phone. She had a new text from Todd. 

 

“ _ Hey babe, sorry I couldn’t make it to your concert the other night. I could treat you to dinner tonight, though?”   _

 

That would be a good idea. She could get out of this tomb of a house and spend the evening with her boyfriend, whom she was lucky to be with. This was a good thing that people did together, right? 

 

_ Hey little sister, who is it you’re with? _

_ Hey little sister, what’s your vice or wish? _

 

She didn’t want to go to dinner with him at all. 

 

“ _ What if we saw other people instead?”  _ She typed vehemently, not even knowing where the anger inside her was coming from. She looked over the message and considered it for a moment before hitting send. It wasn’t really as though she’d mourn the relationship. Best to just cut him loose now before they made any real commitments. Besides, it would be better for the both of them this way. Zoe hadn’t been able to keep a relationship steady for a very long time. It was impossible when every time she closed her eyes to kiss a new person, she pictured herself kissing that boy who was too kind for her to hate but too dishonest for her to love. And she loathed herself for it. She wished she could be content with the love she found out in the world, but none of it compared to the way Evan loved her. She wished she could be happy with Todd’s simple “night, babe” messages, but it was hard when Evan had texted her “goodnight, my angel” every night when they were together. Evan, despite all of the hurt that he brought, all of his manipulation, had loved her for years before they were together, and no relationship she had now could compare to the sheer magnitude of the love he had shown her, in all ways big and small. 

 

It was selfish to expect Todd to be perfect or even better than he was already, she knew that, but she wished he could have at least gone to her concert, because Evan had been there. He didn’t come up to her afterwards to talk to her, but she caught a glimpse of him as he left after the concert was over. Even after all this time, Evan was still there, coming to see her play. She didn’t have it in her to be uncomfortable with that. She liked that he came to watch her. (She also kind of liked that Todd didn’t, which made her stomach churn with guilt.) 

 

She put her guitar down and put her phone in her pocket. She grabbed a tube of strawberry lip gloss from her bedside table and dabbed it on her lips. She put on her winter boots and made her way downstairs, where her parents were sitting in the living room, reading. “Hey mom, hey dad,” she said, “I’m going to go out with Gretchen tonight, if that’s alright? We haven’t seen each other in a while.” Zoe didn’t know when she’d started lying to her parents. She just knew she had. 

 

“Okay, honey. Just don’t drink, okay? I don’t need you getting in an accident.” 

 

“I won’t drink, Mom.” 

 

“And no unprotected--”  

 

“Dad!” 

 

“Have fun, honey, we love you!” 

 

“Love you too, both of you.” 

 

She stepped down the driveway and got into her car. Snow was swirling around the car, blanketing the world around her, like the sky was taking white-out to the suburb. She loved the snow. She checked the time on the clock. 8:43. It might be too late in the evening to do this, but it wouldn’t be better for her to do it earlier. There wasn’t any time that what she was doing could make sense. 

 

Her phone chimed. She pulled it out and saw the notification for a text from Todd. “ _ What do you mean?”  _

 

“Take a hint, fucker,” she growled. She was immediately taken aback by the sound of her own voice. It sounded like Connor was speaking, not her. “ _ It means we’re done,”  _ she replied. She turned her phone off. She figured Todd would guess what she meant soon enough. 

 

_ Hey little sister, what have you done? _

Evan had a small apartment near the community college, and Zoe would never admit to it, but she knew the route to his address by heart. It wasn’t as though she’d ever visited him, but he’d given her his address when he moved and she’d memorized the route on Google maps. She started to drive there, turning on the radio. It was playing classic rock. She turned it off. She hoped Evan wouldn’t be too put-off by her showing up at his apartment at night, especially when their last communication had been a single text from him several months ago that simply read “I’m sorry for everything, but I’m done hurting you,” to which she’d replied with a series of questions that were left read but unanswered. 

 

He lived only about fifteen minutes from her house, but with the addition of snow, the drive became about a thirty-minute drive. It gave her too much time in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about Connor and how he still occupied the entirety of the house, sucking all of the air from it the way he’d done when he was alive. The worst part was that Zoe knew he hadn’t always been a nightmare to live with. There were moments when the real Connor came out to talk to her again. 

 

_ Zo, you want ice cream? I’ll pay.  _

 

_ Indigo streaks, huh? Interesting choice.  _

 

_ You’re really good at guitar.  _

 

_ I think I’m gay, Zo. Please don’t tell dad or mom. Please.  _

 

_ I’m sorry, Zo. For everything.  _

 

He never said that last one. But somehow she felt like he could have if he had more time. 

 

She still didn’t know why her brother had disappeared, why he felt so hopeless. She couldn’t figure it out. Sure, her parents hadn’t understood him, and they’d fought constantly, but it wasn’t as though they didn’t love him. As though they hadn’t tried to help him. Zoe guessed there must have been something they could have done, though, something  _ she _ could have done. She hadn’t known him for the last several years of his life, and maybe things would have been different if she’d reached out to him more. She’d shut him out completely, but she still couldn’t bring herself to feel bad about it, because he treated her like absolute garbage, and she couldn’t forgive him. 

 

Zoe hadn’t really been in the habit of forgiving people lately. 

 

She pulled up on the street by Evan’s tiny apartment and made her way up the steps. She knocked gently on his door, hoping he’d answer. She tugged her cardigan around herself. She’d forgotten to bring a jacket as she left the house, even though it was snowing, and she was beginning to shiver as she waited for Evan to answer the door. 

 

Just when she thought he wouldn’t come, he opened the door. He looked rumpled, with his hair sticking up and his clothes wrinkled, as if he’d been trying to sleep but couldn’t. He was also oddly...soft in his outfit, with gray sweatpants and a gray hoodie over a white polo. He looked huggable. He blinked in surprise at the sight of her. “Zoe,” he said. “W-where’s your coat? Here, come inside.” He beckoned her in, and she took a look around. The apartment was smaller than her dorm room at college, with just enough space for a bed, a desk, a love seat, what she assumed was a bathroom, and a small kitchen area that wasn’t large enough for two people to stand in comfortably. 

 

“Sorry to come at such a late hour, I just--” she puffed out her cheeks. “I needed to get out of my house. He’s uh...he’s everywhere there, and right now I just can’t deal.” The realization of who “he” was dawned in Evan’s eyes, and he nodded. 

 

“Are you alright?” he asked. She smiled weakly at him and pulled her cardigan tighter around herself. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just. Needed to get out. Hope I didn’t interrupt anything.” 

 

“No, no, you’re fine,” he said, “I was just uh, I was getting ready to just watch Netflix cause I just finished my term paper.” 

 

“What was your term paper about?” 

 

“The uh, effects of deforestation on human physical and mental health. I know it’s uh, it’s nerdy but it’s really interesting information and more people need to know about it.” He grinned sheepishly at her and a small smile turned up the corners of her lips. She was glad Evan’s love of nature hadn’t left him. She would have missed it greatly if it had. 

 

“You should tell me about it,” she said. 

 

“Maybe uh, maybe in a bit? I uh, I wanna m-make sure you’re okay first.” Well, wasn’t  _ that _ the million dollar question. Truth be told, Zoe didn’t know if she was okay or not. All she knew was that she was standing in Evan’s apartment because she had to get out of her house. Why she was there, of all places, she wasn’t sure, but she had decided to come here for a reason, and she’d figure it out as she went. 

 

“I’m alright, Evan,” she said with a small smile. 

 

“Are you sure?” The concern in his eyes was familiar, and she recognized it as the expression he’d worn when they first made love. He had been awkward and fumbling, terrified that he was going to hurt her, since neither of them had done that kind of thing before. But because it was with Evan, and he was so gentle, it hadn’t hurt at all. And now, because it was with Evan, it was agonizing to think about. 

 

“Yeah,” she said. 

 

“Okay. Um, I was going to go make some hot chocolate? Would you want some?” 

 

_ Anything but fucking chamomile tea.  _ “Yes, please. That sounds great. Thanks, Evan.” She offered him a shy smile and he nodded. 

 

“Alright, I’ll make two cups.” He turned away and walked into the small kitchen area. He carried himself differently now. He wasn’t necessarily confident, but he wasn’t the ashamed, hunched-over boy that she’d known two years before. She watched him prepare the two cups of hot chocolate, and she wondered why exactly she had come here. Watching him move, however, she got a pretty good sense of what it was she wanted, and as he put the cups in the microwave, she shrugged off her cardigan and stepped closer to Evan. He turned around and his eyes widened at the sight of her bare shoulders. 

 

“Um, a-aren’t you cold?” 

 

_ Hey little sister, who’s the one you want? _

 

“Yes,” she said, her voice way too breathy. She stepped into his space and placed her hands on his chest before sliding them down and around his sides, pulling him close to her and pressing her body up against his. “Warm me up.” She heard his breath hitch, and his heartbeat jumped through his shirt, betraying how physically affected he was by her touch. He drew in a ragged breath and then gently returned her embrace, ghosting his fingers along her back. She moved her hands down to his lower back, pressing their hips together. He gasped softly, and she pulled away just a little bit so that she could lean in to kiss him. His hands went up to cup her face, but instead of kissing her, he gently pressed their foreheads together and used his thumbs to swipe away tears she didn’t even know were there. 

 

“Zoe,” he said, “you’re crying. W-what’s going on?” 

 

Zoe sucked in a breath before the tears really began to stream down her face. She buried her face in Evan’s chest as the heaving sobs began to wrack her body. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and rested his head against hers. 

 

“Shh, you’re okay, Zoe, you’re okay,” he whispered in her ear.  

 

_ Hey little sister, who’s your Superman?  _

 

She finally managed to stop crying long enough to catch her breath. She inhaled shakily and began to speak, but she didn’t let go of Evan. “I’m sorry, this isn’t me at all. I just showed up here after dark and threw myself at you like--like I don’t know what. I just--I-I can’t be at home right now. It’s like Connor’s still here, but it’s like he’s here during one of his tantrums, when he’d go ballistic on everything a-and you would just hold your breath waiting for him to strike. And no one in my family wants to talk about it, it’s like they can’t even say his  _ name _ . And I can’t talk to any of my friends about any of this shit because with the Connor Project and all I can’t tell people what Connor was really like and it’s just so fucking lonely.” 

 

She wiped her face on her hand, feeling disgusting. “And I’m trying to keep it all together but I can’t and I just dumped my boyfriend over pretty much nothing and now my parents are gonna be so disappointed because they think he’s the second coming of Jesus or whatever.” She gave a watery chuckle at that. “But I don’t really care because he’s a jerk and his dick is tiny, and you can quote me on that. Also he’s boring and condescending and he doesn’t come to my jazz band concerts and--” she choked up. “And you do. And I miss you.” 

 

There was a long silence in which neither of them said anything and Evan just stroked Zoe’s back. Then he whispered “I miss you too, Zoe.” 

 

_ Hey little sister, who’s your only one? _

_ Hey little sister, shotgun  _

 

Evan pulled away and put one hand gently on Zoe’s face, wiping away the stray tears and stroking her cheek. “I think our hot chocolate is getting cold now, want me to heat it up again and we can sit and watch something?” Zoe nodded. Evan dropped his hand to her shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. His hand was warm against her skin. He then turned away and began to reset the microwave to reheat the forgotten mugs of hot chocolate. “You can sit down if you want.” 

 

Zoe grabbed her discarded cardigan and wrapped it around herself before curling up on one corner of the loveseat. She shucked off her boots so she could draw her knees up and hug them close to her chest. She stared at a corner of the floor until the beeping signaled that the hot chocolate was ready. Evan walked over and handed her one of the cups, which she cradled to her chest as soon as it entered her hands. “Thank you,” she said, giving Evan a small smile. 

 

“No problem, Boblem,” Evan said before realizing what he’d said and grimacing. “S-sorry that wasn’t a uh, word.” 

 

Zoe giggled at that, almost spilling her hot chocolate. She tried to blow on it to cool it down but couldn’t keep her face from breaking out into a grin long enough to do so. They fell into a comfortable silence before Zoe spoke again. “Hey Evan,” she said, “let’s have a kegger.” 

 

The old joke startled Evan and he turned to her and broke out into a grin of his own. “Yeah, let’s do it!” he laughed. “With uh, my complete and impressive supply of...no alcohol in the house.” They both chuckled at that. 

 

They decided to rewatch old episodes of Glee as they drank their hot chocolate, and Zoe kept a running commentary on the stupid behavior of each of the characters. Whenever a song came on, they would break out into two-part harmonies and sing along. Zoe found that she quite enjoyed hearing Evan sing. Eventually she ran out of hot chocolate and she set her cup down on the floor. Missing the warmth of the cup, she slowly positioned herself so that she was leaning up against Evan, her head resting on his shoulder and her arm looped through his. He drew in a shaky breath and looked over at her before very hesitantly reaching for her hand and interlacing their fingers. Zoe smiled softly up at him in response. 

 

“Hey,” Evan whispered softly. 

 

“Hey yourself,” she whispered back, squeezing his hand. 

 

“So we’re uh...we’re holding hands?” 

 

“It appears we are.” 

 

“I um, I hate to ask such a crass question but when did you um, dump this boyfriend of yours?” 

 

“About an hour ago. Speaking of which, I need to make sure he knows he’s dumped for sure.” Evan paused the episode and she pulled her phone out of her pocket and turned it on. She had several new messages from Todd and one from her mom.

 

“W-why do you need to verify that?” Evan asked. She snuck a glance over at him. 

 

“Well, I mean, if say I hypothetically...kiss you...it’ll have to be not only sweet and perfect, but it also can’t be an act of indiscretion in a relationship. Those are my required standards for kissing,” she said. 

 

“I-I-If you  _ kiss _ me?” Evan was bright pink. 

 

“ _ When _ I kiss you,” she said, smiling brightly at him. 

 

“When,” Evan echoed, grinning dopily down at their entwined hands. She smiled to herself and turned back to her phone. She elected to read her mom’s message first. 

 

“ _ Hi honey, when r u coming home from Gretchen’s? _ ” 

 

She didn’t know how to answer that, so she checked Todd’s messages. 

 

“ _ Zoe what the hell.  _

_ Zoe quit playing games with me.  _

_ This is a joke, right?  _

_ You can’t break up with me over text.  _

_ What the hell.  _

_ I bet you’re screwing that kid you’re always talking about, Conrad or something.  _

_ Slut.  _

_ Fine, you know what?  _

_ We’re done.  _

_ I’m done.  _

_ Fuck you, Zoe. _ ” 

 

She burst out laughing and showed Evan her phone screen. His expression changed from angry to horrified to shocked, and she laughed even harder. “Who the fuck is  _ Conrad _ ?” she asked incredulously. “Wait.  _ No _ .”

 

Evan realized at the same time that Zoe did, and his jaw dropped. “He can’t possibly be talking about--” 

 

“Oh my God, he is.” 

 

“That is fucked up.” 

 

“I had to have mentioned he was my brother! I had to have! Wait no oh my God,” Zoe said, her own jaw dropping. “I’ve only ever mentioned Connor once to him, and it was because he was trying to be playful and he pulled my hair and I yelled “stop it, Connor!” on accident and...oh my God, he thought that meant I was cheating on him!” Zoe’s free hand flew to her mouth, and she laughed even louder. 

 

Evan’s eyes widened in horror. “What the fuck,” he breathed. “This guy is such a  _ douchebag _ , oh my God, I can see why you’re dumping him!” 

 

“Right? What a fucking tool.” 

 

“What did you say his name was again?” 

 

“Todd.” 

 

“His name is Toad?” 

 

Zoe laughed. “No, it’s Todd.” 

 

“Really? Because uh he sounds like his name should be Toad.” 

 

“That’s an insult to toads everywhere.” 

 

“What does he look like, though? Prove me wrong.” Zoe flashed Evan a picture of Todd’s contact photo. “Oh, well, you see, that guy? His name is  _ definitely _ Toad.” Zoe cracked up. 

 

“I’m changing his contact name to Toad right now.” 

 

“More like Toad-al Dick am I right?” Evan grinned at her and she shook her head, snorting a little at his bad pun. Silence fell as she tried to figure out how to respond to Todd, and she eventually gave up and set her phone down. It vibrated loudly, indicating someone was calling (probably Todd) and she ignored it, electing instead to cuddle closer to Evan. He was oddly quiet and contemplative, and she looked up at him as if to ask him what was going on. 

 

“How-how’s your family doing?” Evan asked finally. Zoe sighed. 

 

“They’re doing okay. I mean, as okay as you can be during another round of holidays without your first born child. They’re just trying not to talk about it. I don’t know if they’ll ever get to the ‘talking about Connor’ stage of things. It’s not like there are a lot of happy memories we have of him that don’t involve a fake apple orchard.” Zoe was aware that she was guilt tripping Evan, and it was clearly working with the way his mouth was twisting. He let go of her hand and twiddled his thumbs nervously in his lap. 

 

“I really hurt your family, didn’t I?” he asked quietly. Zoe didn’t know how to sugar coat it. 

 

“Yeah, you did. I mean, you helped us, too, but you also made us think Connor was some fluffy bunny when he really wasn’t, which you know. Wasn’t cool.” 

 

“I wish I could fix it somehow.” 

 

“I wish you could, too. I wish you hadn’t lied about Connor.” Becoming aware that she was about to hurt Evan’s feelings, she pulled away from him a little bit. “I mean, you made me think that the boy who strangled me in front of my parents and got away with it was a good person. Do you know how many nights I stayed up, wondering what I did to make Connor hide his good side from me, when in reality he just didn’t have a good side?”

 

Evan winced at her words, but she plowed ahead, needing desperately to voice the emotions she’d bottled up for so long. “My family put all their hope on you and it was all a lie, and I can’t even bring myself to hate you, because you made me feel so special.” She let out a dry sob and turned her face away from Evan, not trusting herself not to cry under the weight of Evan’s concerned gaze on her. 

 

She felt Evan’s warm hand delicately touch her shoulder. She looked down at her lap, still not meeting his gaze. “Zoe,” he said, “you know I never wanted to let that lie blow up the way it did? I-I regret what I did every day. I just wanted to help your parents, and I just wanted to--” he cut himself off and swallowed thickly before continuing. “I wanted to be important to you. I carried so much love for you for so long and I knew I’d never be able to express it unless you were given a reason to talk to me.” 

 

“Is that really what you think? That you had to use my brother’s memory to give me your love?” She blinked angry tears out of her eyes and glared at him, causing him to retract his hand from her shoulder. “That’s fucked up, Evan. It’s like you knew that deep down all I wanted was my brother to see the good in me in a way that wasn’t spiteful or jealous, and you just...you fucking exploited that. And I’d hate you for it if I didn’t know it was because you wanted to tell me how you felt. But that just makes it worse, because it hurts but I can’t hate you. At all.” She put her head down in her arms. “Why, Evan? Why did you have to lie? You’re so sweet and genuine and caring, I would have loved you if I hadn’t thought you were my brother’s friend.” 

 

“Zoe, I’m so sorry.” 

 

_ I’ve been away for so long  _

_ I let you go for so long  _

 

She sat up and wiped her eyes. “I am too,” she said. “I didn’t mean to come here to yell at you. I just needed to talk about this stuff. I have no one I can tell the truth to and it’s eating me up inside.” 

 

“Talk to me, Zoe. You can talk to me about anything at all.”

 

“Even if what I’m saying might not be nice to you?” 

 

“I’m a big boy, I-I can take it,” he said with a chuckle. He reached out again and rubbed her back, and she leaned into his touch. She shifted down the loveseat until she was practically in Evan’s arms and rested her head on his shoulder. She was quiet for several moments before she spoke again. 

 

“It’s all so fucking senseless, you know? All this Connor shit. Like, he was an awful person and his grades were in the gutter but he had so much going for him. I mean, Mom and Dad would have cut off a limb off each if it would have made him happy.” She sniffled. “And he screwed up his relationship with me irreparably, but it’s not like I wouldn’t have helped him if he asked. I just don’t see why my brother is dead, Evan. I don’t  _ understand _ .” Evan was silent as he listened to her speak, he just watched her with gently pursed lips. 

 

Zoe continued ranting. Her voice was raw with emotion but the tears had finally left her eyes. “Did I ever tell you that Connor made me swear to secrecy that I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad he was gay? He was terrified that they wouldn’t accept him, especially Dad. But get this, Dad told me a couple days ago that he’d always known Connor was gay, and he was just fucking waiting for him to tell him on his own time. I mean, talk about fucked up, Connor died never knowing that Dad accepted him. All because they didn’t talk to each other.” She sighed. “My parents loved Connor so much, they still do, and he never knew it. And now everything’s broken and we can’t fix it, no matter how hard we try.”  

 

Evan regarded her somberly for a moment before pulling her close to his chest and wrapping his arms around her. She closed her eyes and let him cradle her. “Where’s my brother, Evan?” She whispered, barely even meaning to say the words aloud. 

 

“I don’t know, Zoe.” 

 

“He’s not here.” She reached up and gripped Evan’s arms where they folded over her chest. “He’s not  _ here _ .” 

 

_ I let you go for so long  _

_ It’s a nice day to start again  _

 

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, taking comfort in each other’s arms. Eventually, however, Zoe’s foot fell asleep, and she adjusted herself so the circulation could return to her foot. Evan released his hold on her, and she smiled over at him. 

 

“Thanks, Evan,” she said. “I know I’ve been kind of a hot mess tonight, but thanks for being there for me. I really appreciate it.” 

 

“Anytime, Zoe. I mean,” he tried to lighten the mood, “you’re nowhere near as much of a mess as I can be, so it’s really no big deal.” 

 

“Even though I’m being really depressing?” she asked, chuckling softly. 

 

“Even then.” He reached out and took her hand, and she locked their fingers together and squeezed his hand. A few seconds passed in silence before Evan spoke again. “Hey Zoe?” Evan asked, stroking her thumb with his. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Would you really have talked to me? If people hadn’t thought I was important to your brother? If I hadn’t...lied? Would you have liked me?” 

 

“Depends on if  _ you’d _ talked to  _ me _ . I mean, if you’d come up to me and talked about literally anything but Connor, like if you came up and were like,” she pitched her voice lower and pretended to fidget nervously with her free hand, “hey Z-Zoe, I-I’m Evan Hansen and I w-watch you in jazz band and I’m super cute wanna go m-make out sometime,” Evan started laughing incredulously at her impression of him, “then yeah, totally, I would have thought you were adorable. Ten out of ten, would boyfriend again.”

 

“Would boyfriend again? Who says that? Also I did  _ not _ sound like that,” Evan said, nudging Zoe’s arm playfully.  

 

“You know you did, just a little bit.”

 

Evan shook his head and began to jab at her side. “Did I? Did I now?” He grinned. 

 

“Just a little bit!” she shrieked, laughing maniacally as Evan leaned over to tickle her, (a remarkable achievement on his part given that he was managing to tickle her without letting go of her hand.) She was the one to let go of his hand, however, when she rolled over and he climbed on top of her, continuing to tickle her. 

 

“I’m--not--wrong!” she gasped out between shrieks of laughter. Evan grinned and ceased his assault on her sides, opting instead to prop himself up on top of her and gaze into her eyes. Her expression softened and she reached up with one hand to stroke his cheek. Her eyes darted from his eyes to his lips, and she moved her hand to his shoulder as if to pull him closer, but then she stopped, because a lump welled up in her throat, and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She moved her hand away from his head in favor of covering her face with it. 

 

“Are you okay, Zoe?” Evan asked. Zoe nodded. “What’s wrong? You look like you’re gonna cry again. Why?” 

 

_ Because I almost kissed you just now. Because I threw myself at you and you didn’t take advantage of me in my emotional state, which is more than I can say for Todd. Because I came here to use you so you could hurt me again and you didn’t. I came looking for pain and you gave me nothing but love and solace. Because you make my heart sing but our relationship is built on a foundation of lies. Because I can’t guarantee that you’ll never lie to me again, and I’m not sure if my parents can ever trust you again, and I don’t want to get caught in an endless cycle of running back to you after you hurt me over and over. But I don’t think you will hurt me. I think you really do love me, and that makes your lies so much more painful because I can’t just classify you in my mind as a bastard that I need to avoid at all costs. You love me and you lied to me and you hurt me and all I want to do is pull you close and make you mend my heart. Because I shouldn’t love you, but I do.  _

 

_ There is nothin’ fair in this world, girl  _

_ There is nothin’ safe in this world  _

_ And there’s nothin’ sure in this world  _

_ And there’s nothin’ pure in this world  _

_ Look for something left in this world  _

_ Start again  _

 

“Because I really wanted to kiss you,” she said, blinking tears out of her eyes. “And after all that’s happened between us I just...I don’t know how to trust you, and I don’t know how to get my parents to trust you, but all I want is to have what we had back then, but for real. With no lies or pain.” Above her, Evan drew in a shuddering breath. 

 

“I want that too,” he said. “I want to make things right with you and your family. I just don’t know how to start.” 

 

Zoe pointed to her cheek. “Well...You can start here,” she said, smiling softly, and Evan took the hint and gently pressed his lips to her cheek. “And here,” she said, giggling and pointing to her other cheek. He smiled and kissed her other cheek as well. “Here,” she said, putting her finger on her forehead. He kissed her forehead, gently stroking the hair off of it before nuzzling his head against hers. 

“What is this, Raiders of the Lost Ark?” he chuckled, and she swatted his arm gently. 

 

“It’s only  _ Raiders _ if you finish what you start,” she gestured towards her lips, “you mood-killing tree nerd.” 

 

“Whatever you say, you sappy band geek,” Evan said, and then his eyes widened as he realized what he’d said. “OhmygodI’msosorrywasthatmean--”

 

“Evan, oh my god, it was great! Stop!” Zoe laughed and rubbed his arm affectionately. “You don’t always have to be one hundred percent nice, you know.” 

 

“But you deserve someone being nice to you all the time. Even if that isn’t what I always am.” A fresh wave of emotion came over Zoe at Evan’s words, and she reached up and cupped his face with her hands. He leaned in towards her lips and her eyes fluttered closed. She took a shallow breath before he kissed her, but the kiss never came, because at that moment, Zoe’s phone began to vibrate uncontrollably in her back pocket. Evan pulled back with a puzzled expression on his face and Zoe sighed. 

 

“Toad strikes again, huh?” Evan asked. 

 

“Yeah, I don’t wanna answer it, though.” 

 

“I can,” Evan said. Zoe looked at him incredulously. 

 

“Evan Hansen, whose arch-nemesis is a phone call, is going to answer the phone to tell my ex to fuck off?” 

 

“The things I’ll do for you,” Evan said, chuckling. “I-I mean, do you trust me?” Zoe grinned and nodded. He slipped a hand under her hips and pulled out her phone, grimacing at the awkwardness of it, and hit the answer button. Zoe bit her lip, trying not to think about where Evan had touched her just then. It was kinda hot though, especially since Evan was about to tell “Toad” to fuck off. 

 

_ “Zoe?! Where the hell are you?”  _ The voice from the other end shouted. 

 

“S-s-she doesn’t want to talk to you!” Evan said, his voice strained. 

 

_ “Who are  _ you _ , asswipe?”  _

 

“I’m her friend!” Evan made unblinking eye contact with Zoe as he said his next piece. “Alsoyou’reajerkandyourdickistiny!” Zoe began laughing uncontrollably beneath him, clapping her hands together. Evan promptly hung up and Zoe continued laughing in disbelief. “You said I could quote you on it,” he said, shrugging.  

 

“Oh my God, Evan,” she said, shaking her head. “Come here.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. He made a small squeaky noise against her lips but then leaned into the kiss, closing his eyes with an expression of utter bliss on his face. He slid both of his arms around her and pulled her impossibly closer. She slid her hands down his back to grip at his hoodie. Zoe tried to keep the kiss innocent, but it was hard when their bodies were perfectly aligned and pressed together, and she found herself opening her mouth against Evan’s, seeking more from him. Evan took her cue and ran his tongue over her bottom lip. She responded by wrapping her legs around his waist, which caused Evan to make a small gasping noise and press harder against Zoe, kissing her even more fiercely. 

 

Evan eventually pulled away from the kiss to catch his breath and he leaned his forehead against hers for support. She looked up at him adoringly. 

 

“Hi,” she said breathlessly. 

 

“Hi yourself,” he responded. He propped himself up on his elbows and grinned at her. “So did that uh, fit your categories?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah it did. It was sweet,” she leaned up and pecked him on the cheek, “it was perfect,” she said breathlessly, “and it wasn’t an act of indiscretion, so I’d say we have our bases covered.” She patted his arm as if congratulating him. “Good work, team.” 

 

Evan chuckled and reached a hand up to stroke her cheek. “You’re incredible,” he said. She blushed and put her hand over his where it rested on her face before squeezing his hand gently. He kissed her again, much more softly this time, as though he had all the time in the world to kiss her and make her feel loved. She smiled against his lips, and he pulled away just enough to pepper her face with kisses, which made her giggle uncontrollably. He moved down to her jaw and placed soft kisses against her neck, which elicited a mixture of a sigh and a moan from Zoe. Her hips involuntarily bucked upwards at the feeling of his lips against her skin, and she heard Evan gasp close to her ear. She reached up with one hand and threaded her fingers through his hair. He kissed her skin several more times before opting to simply nuzzle against her neck. 

 

“W-we should stop before we go too far tonight,” he whispered in her ear, his voice wavering. Zoe could tell he was struggling to keep his composure. Evan had always thrown propriety out the window when he had the opportunity to touch Zoe, and all their time apart hadn’t lessened how much he obviously wanted her. She was touched by his determination to slow down and do things right, however, even if she wanted nothing more than for him to take her right then and there. 

 

“You’re right,” she said, puffing out her cheeks and sighing. “I mean, moral repercussions of dumping a guy and immediately making out with another one aside, I wanna take my time with you.” 

 

“Well, you’re in the company of the very last person in the world who can judge any of your moral decisions, so whatever you do, I support it.” With that, Evan kissed her forehead one last time and then climbed off of her, standing up and stretching. She sat up and adjusted her cardigan from where it had fallen off of her shoulder while Evan was kissing her. She ran a hand through her hair and looked up at Evan, who was staring at her as if he was trying to commit her entire appearance to memory right then. 

 

“See something you like?” she teased. He flushed and nodded.    
  


“Yeah I do,” he said, smiling as though he was hopelessly lost in the act of looking at her. Zoe had missed that smile. 

 

“You wanna finish our episode?” she asked, pointing to the neglected Netflix screen. 

 

“Oh yeah, we were watching that, weren’t we?” he laughed. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and I’ll be right back, okay darling?” he said. She nodded. She felt cold without him close to her, and she curled up in the corner of the loveseat where Evan had been sitting prior to their impromptu make out session. She closed her eyes ever so briefly and wrapped her arms around herself as she waited. 

 

She didn’t know how long she was out for, but she was awoken by a blanket being draped over her and a soft press of lips to her forehead. “Mmm,” she groaned blearily and rubbed her eyes. Evan was standing over her, wearing his same sweatpants but with the addition of a tree-patterned pajama shirt to replace his hoodie and polo. He looked so precious that Zoe thought she could burst. She reached out for him. “Evan,” she murmured, “c’mere.” He laughed and put his hands on her shoulders. 

 

“Did I fall asleep?” she asked. He nodded. “How long was I out?” 

 

“Only a couple minutes. I didn’t feel like waking you up so I brought you a blanket. It’s really cold outside, and the heating in here isn’t great, so I didn’t want you to. You know. Freeze.” She tugged the blanket around herself gratefully and smiled up at him. 

 

“Thank you,” she said. He gazed at her with an expression of unrestrained fondness in his eyes. He leaned down and cupped her face, kissing her so gently she felt like she could melt. She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed him back, her heart fluttering in her chest as she did so. 

 

“What time is it?” she asked when he pulled away. 

 

“Just after 12:30,” he said. She groaned. 

 

“Shit, I should tell my mom that I’ve been out late.” She grabbed her phone and found her mother’s contact name and opened up the messages. “Thanks for having me here for so long, Evan.” 

 

“Do you have to leave?” he asked, clearly trying to hide his disappointment. 

 

“I mean, probably. Unless…” she looked up at Evan. “Unless you’d be okay with me staying? I can let my mom know I’m safe indoors so she doesn’t freak.” 

 

His face lit up. “Sure! Yes, yes you can stay. It’s probably a good idea anyway, y-y’know because i-it’s starting to really come down out there.” Zoe looked out the window and confirmed that yes, the snow was coming down hard, and would likely be nightmarish to drive in. 

 

“Thanks, Evan,” she said. She typed a quick text to her mother. “ _ Hey mom, hope you’re not worried, I’m spending the night at a friend’s house to evade the Storm. Just wanted you to know I’m safe and I love you. <3 _ ” 

 

She got up from the loveseat. “Do you have any mouthwash?” she asked. He nodded and showed her the way into the tiny bathroom that again, did not have space for two people. She quickly used his mouthwash and stepped back out. 

 

“I um, I have spare pajama pants and t-shirts if you want something more comfortable to sleep in. A-although the pants might be a bit big on you.” 

 

“I’m sure I can get into your pants just fine, Evan,” she said with a wink. He chuckled sheepishly at that, and she kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. So much.” 

 

“Yeah. No prob.” 

 

“Bob,” she joked. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You said ‘no problem Boblem’ earlier so the other version of that is ‘no prob Bob.’ Sorry it was a stupid joke.”’

 

“Oh. Oh! Okay.” He laughed. “Sorry I just didn’t--didn’t know what you meant for a moment.” They fell into an awkward silence, and seconds dragged by before either of them spoke. Evan finally cleared his throat. “I’m-I’m gonna,” he gestured past Zoe, “brush my teeth. Clothing is in my drawer by my bed, take anything you think will fit you.” He ducked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Zoe snorted. Sometimes Evan reminded her of a frightened deer. 

 

She made her way over to his drawer and opened it, pulling out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that was at least as long as she was. She put the sweats back and took on the t-shirt, figuring it was modest enough since it went down to her mid-thighs anyway.  _ How does Evan even  _ wear _ that, anyway? He’s not that much taller than I am.  _ She quickly changed into the t-shirt in time to see Evan emerge from the bathroom. His expression softened at the sight of Zoe in his oversized t-shirt, and he strode over to her and brushed her hair behind her ear. “You’re so cute,” he said before cupping her face in his hands and kissing her gently. She smiled against his lips and rubbed his arms. 

 

“You are too,” she giggled. “So um, where am I gonna sleep tonight? Should I take the couch?” she asked, gesturing to the loveseat.

 

“Well I um, I actually was wondering if you would want to sleep um, in my bed. You know. Cause it’s cold. And we can be, you know. Warm.” He looked up at her nervously. “B-but if you don’t wanna do that it’s okay and it’s a stupid idea anyway and I’m being super forward and IshouldshutupnowI’msorry.” 

 

“Evan,” she said, putting a hand on his arm. She grinned up at him. “I’d like that. I’d really like that.” She kissed him gently on the cheek. “Just don’t hog the covers.” 

 

“I won’t,” he promised. She beamed up at him and slid under the blanket, nestling up in the blankets on one half of the bed like they were a cocoon. She caught a glimpse of Evan, his eyes misty and his expression lost in her. She beckoned him over to the bed, and he crawled under the covers with her. She curled up into his side and lay her head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her on top of him. He kissed the top of her head. “You comfortable, Zoe?” he asked. She nodded. 

 

“Yes, very.” She listened to the sound of his heartbeat, which was beating rapidly as he breathed shallowly. “You okay, Evan?” she asked. “Your heart is beating really quickly.” He nodded. 

 

“It’s just the effect you have on me,” he said, carding his fingers through her hair, “you make me excited and calm at the same time.” She smiled at that and began to trace patterns along the fabric of his shirt with her finger, and he began to absentmindedly stroke her hair. 

 

“Well, I hope I’m not making you too excited to sleep.”

 

“We’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?” he said. They fell into a comfortable silence in which Zoe just listened to the sound of Evan’s breathing as it slowly deepened and slowed. Curiosity got the better of her, however, and she broke the silence. 

 

“Hey, Evan?” she asked. 

 

“Mmm?” came the sleepy reply. 

“You sent me a text awhile ago, it said ‘I’m sorry for everything, but I’m done hurting you.’ What was that about?” She felt Evan stiffen underneath her, and he stopped stroking her hair. 

 

“It was nothing to worry about,” he said. “I was trying to do something, and I didn’t succeed. That’s all.” She mulled over his words, and her stomach churned. She squeezed him tightly, as though he might slip out of her grasp at any time. 

 

“Hey, Evan?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I love you.” 

 

“I love you too, Zoe.” He inhaled deeply and hugged her tighter. “I love you more than you could possibly know.” 

 

“Goodnight, Evan.” She kissed him softly. “Sweet dreams. 

 

“Goodnight, my angel.” 

 

_ It’s a nice day to start again.  _

**Author's Note:**

> If you're a person who clicked on this fic then I love you and would die for you jsyk bc we need more of these fics i m o have a great day, you don't have to comment but I'd love you forever if you did! <3


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